Review: One for the Money

Plot:  Based on the best selling book by Janet Evanovich, One for the Money chronicles the exploits of Stephanie Plum (Katherine Heigl).  Recently divorced, drowning in debt, and strapped for cash Plum takes a job as a bail enforcement agent at her cousin Vinnie's (Patrick Fischler) bail bonds company.  Armed with no weapons, skills, or experience Plum's first assignment involves tracking down ex-cop and old flame Joe Morelli (Jason O'Mara).  However, when Stephanie discovers that Morelli's been set up it's up to her and fellow bounty hunter Ranger (Daniel Sunjata) to uncover the truth and clear Morelli's good name.

Review:  The dictionary defines the word "dreck" as "trash-especially inferior merchandise."  Dreck doesn't even scratch the surface of how shockingly bad One for the Money is.  Inferior merchandise?  I'd gladly ingest a cartload of week old Wal-Mart produce than watch this feces show again.
     Understandably, best selling novels that become movies often lose much in the translation.  One for the Money didn't even bother to bring an interpreter.  Shoddy direction, terrible acting, a vapid plot, excruciatingly ridiculous dialogue--this film has it all. 
     Director Julie Anne Robinson (The Last Song) approaches this film like a bad 80s crime drama/comedy on the Fox network, only less inspired.  The jokes fall flat, the action bores rather than thrills, and the pacing is choppier than a chef dicing celery on "Hell's Kitchen."  Lionsgate and Robinson should be ashamed of this abomination on every level.
     Not surprisingly, One for the Money falls victim to the "too many cooks in the kitchen" syndrome when it comes to the script.  Four screenwriters contributed to this turd of a film including Liz Brixius, Stacey Sherman, Karen Ray, and Karen McCullah Lutz.  Despite having multiple writers on the script, the four women couldn't formulate a cogent or interesting script.  And the dialogue?  I'm sure my friend Mike's daughter Jules could come up with dialogue exponentially better than what the writers came up with.  Oh did I mention she's four?  She's also probably got more intelligence than these four people combined.  There was actually a line (I'm not making this up) where Morelli says to Stephanie, "We're ancient history baby!  Like the pyramids!"  Open mouth, insert gun, pull trigger.
     It's also mind boggling to me how Katherine Heigl still has a career.  She may not after this movie.  Her New Jersey accent is ridiculous to the point of absurdity.  Every time she opened her mouth all I could think of was Mike Myers on "Saturday Night Live" when he played Linda Richmond on the skit "Coffee Talk."  Except his accent was better.  ("Katherine Heigl is neither an actress nor talented.  Discuss!") There was absolutely nothing likable about her character.  I felt no affinity, connection, or sympathy for Stephanie whatsoever.  And the "chemistry" between Heigl, O'Mara, and Sunjata?  I've seen 5th grade chemistry sets that generated more heat than these clowns.
     One for the Money made me think only one thing when the credits finally rolled.  "I want my money back."

My rating:  1/10