Crackin' Skulls: A Breakdown of Indy 4

Indiana Jones is an iconic movie hero and to say that the fan reaction to 2008's Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was tempestuous, is probably the understatement of the millennium. Millions of Indy fans will say the film is an unmitigated pile of feces. Others thoroughly enjoyed it. In fact to say that Indy 4 was universally hated is not only the height of hyperbole, it is patently untrue. Rotten Tomatoes shows Skull as having 194 "fresh" reviews against 58 "rotten" reviews, for an approval rating of 77%. Obviously some people liked the film. Don't mean to go all sabermetrics here, but the stats bare this out.

As for myself I will honestly admit that when I first saw Skull three years ago I absolutely loathed it. Thanks to a suggestion by my friend Andy that I watch it again, I've done a complete 180 on the film. I've only had that happen one other time, with the movie Blade Runner; ironically another Harrison Ford film. That's not to say that Skull is by any means a perfect film--it's not. However, I actually like it better than Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. For those of you gasping in outrage right now think about this: Doom consisted of two hours of Cate Capshaw screaming, a less than likable sidekick in Short Round, and to be perfectly honest it was an incredibly dark film. (Child slavery? Hearts being ripped out of chests? Blood cocktail hallucinations? Sheesh.)

I believe the reason I hated Skull initially was that my expectations were way too high. Compared to films like Raiders of the Lost Ark and Last Crusade how could the fourth film possibly measure up? It couldn't. Part of the reason was the era the fourth film was set in. The 50s was a different time than the 30s. Spielberg really played up the nuclear era and Communism aspects which for the most part I thought worked pretty well. Russian mind control and psychic powers, as ridiculous as they may have appeared to the average moviegoer, was not an uncommon thing under Stalin. Alien invasion and UFOs, especially in film, were a huge aspect of the 1950s especially in cinema. It's no wonder that, for better or for worse, Lucas and Spielberg decided to include an alien slant to Skull. Once I really sat down and examined this information I realized that I didn't hate Indy 4, I was pissed at it for not being Raiders of the Lost Ark. That's like being pissed at Derek Rose for not being Michael Jordan.

What with the announcement this past week that Harrison Ford was once again going to don the Fedora for a fifth go round, it got me to thinking about the last film--what worked, what didn't, and what needs to change to make the fifth installment better. With that being said, here's a complete breakdown of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, the good, the bad, and what needs to happen going forward. First the bad....

THE BAD

NUKING THE FRIDGE: This one is probably the most obvious. After an awesome opening sequence Lucas and Spielberg inexplicably decide to add this cinema gem where Indy hops in a lead lined refrigerator and survives a nuclear blast. Um, yeah. Now granted Indy has survived getting his face burned off by closing his eyes, (Raiders) soaring fifty feet past missing train track on a high speed car and landing perfectly landing on new track, (Doom) and somehow knowing to roll forward to avoid a blade trap (Last Crusade). However this one was just a little bit too much to swallow for me and most other moviegoers. Although it added a nice new phrase to the American lexicon, it was a totally unnecessary scene.

KAREN ALLEN AS MARION RAVENWOOD: Initially I was psyched that Spielberg decided to bring back Marion Ravenwood for the fourth film. I thought Karen Allen's performance in Raiders was amazing. However, she completely phoned in the role in Skull. The performance was blander than a rice cake.

REFERRING TO INDY AS HENRY: This one really annoyed me to no end. We all know that Indy's real name is Henry. There is no reason to brow beat the audience with this fact for two hours. His name is INDIANA JONES. In fact in my Samuel L. Jackson mind he is INDIANA MOTHERFUCKIN' JONES! Show some respect Lucas.

BULL SNAKE SCENE: Again another unnecessary scene. I get that part of the Indiana Jones mythology is that he is deathly afraid of snakes. However the great thing about the previous films is that they naturally worked this into the film. Not so with Skull. Instead we get a contrived sequence where Mutt rescues Indy with a bull snake while Indy pretends it is a rope. Sorry no dice.

CGI MONKEYS: Aside from the "nuke the fridge" scene this one was the most ridiculous. Why all of sudden does Mutt turn into freakin' Tarzan surrounded by hundreds of CGI monkeys sporting pompadours? Your guess is as good as mine. Somehow he manages to catch up to speeding cars while swinging through vines though. Weird.

ALIEN ENDING: Yes I know they are really "inter-dimensional space beings." Shut your cake-hole. The fact is I don't even mind the alien angle. Some have actually speculated that crystal skulls, like the one found by Mitchell-Hedges, were not made by human hand. At least in that instance I can see the alien connection. It's the way it all played out at the end with the ridiculous CGI flying saucer.

BOTTOM LINE: The fact of the matter is that if the creators of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull had eliminated some of the ridiculous scenes (or at least tweaked them) and cut back on the CGI it would have made for a much better film.

Now the good...

THE GOOD

OPENING SEQUENCE: One of the great things about all of the Indiana Jones movies is that they all have kick ass opening sequences. Skull was no exception. Indy's clash with Communists at Hangar 51, the quick reveal of the Lost Ark, an awesome fight scene with a Commie baddie with a chain, and a dramatic exit via a rocket engine were epic. It immediately set the tone.

THE CHASE SCENES: What's an Indy movie without a good chase scene or two? The two best ones by far were the motorcycle chase near Indy's college campus and the jeep chase in the jungle. I loved seeing Indy hop back and forth between the motorcycle and the Communists' car. Plus the sword fighting scene mid chase between Spalko and Mutt was epic. Nicely done.

SHIA LABEOUF AS MUTT WILLIAMS: This one might earn me the most flak. Tons of fans out there think that Labeouf's performance was dreadful and unnecessary. I am not one of those people. I think LaBeouf nailed the 50s greaser role and was able to bring a measure of toughness and vulnerability to the character. His give and take with Harrison Ford was great and I think the chemistry was even better. Like father like son.

THE MACGUFFIN (CRYSTAL SKULL): Lots of people hated the crystal skull of Akator that Indy went after, but I dug it. First of all the skull looked captivating and sinister at the same time and was much sleeker than the former Macguffins. Additionally, the power that the skull was supposedly imbued with has basis in the real world, as many cultures believe that the crystal skulls do have some kind of innate perhaps even psychic power. It dovetailed nicely into the whole Communist idea of a mind control weapon.

DR. JONES'S AGE: I like that the producers didn't shy away from Indiana Jones's age. In the fourth installment he is 58 years old but they didn't shy away from that. Whether it was not being able to judge the distance while swinging from a whip or showing elderly annoyance at Mutt's shenanigans, it made the portrayal much more real.

SIGNATURE INDY: When Indiana cracks that whip, throws a punch, or makes a daring escape I can't help but get goose bumps. Once we see the archaeologist don the Fedora, jacket, whip, and satchel it is on like donkeykong. No modernized Indy for this film.

THE BAD GUYS: I think people were disappointed at having the bad guys be Communists in Skull. Why? In the era that the movie is set in the Soviet Union was America's most feared and hated enemy. Why wouldn't Communists naturally be Indy's foe in the film? Cate Blanchett I thought was excellent as Dr. Spalko and it was a bold choice to have a woman as the main Indy villain. And how could you not like Igor Jijikine as Colonel Dovchenko? Big, hulking, intimidating--he's everything you'd want in an Indy baddie. Fans seemed to be disappointed that there were no Nazis in the film. Sorry guys, the film is set in 1957; most notable Nazis at that time were hiding in South America and had no power.

And the future....

WHAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN IN THE NEXT INSTALLMENT

LESS CGI: One of things that made the original trilogy so great was that all the special effects were done through miniatures, makeup, set pieces, and other "old-fashioned" movie tricks. The boulder scene in Raiders still holds up 30 years later. No CGI was needed then and I don't think CGI is needed to make a great Indiana Jones film. I'm not saying they should eliminate CGI altogether just dial it down a notch. And no computer generated monkeys please!

JUDEO-CHRISTIAN MACGUFFIN: Again like I said in a previous post this is not because I'm a Christian, it is because the Judeo-Christian MacGuffins of the Ark and the Holy Grail were part of the two best Indiana Jones films. The Hindu Shakra Stones of The Temple of Doom and the crystal skull from the last film didn't have the mass appeal that the Ark and the Holy Grail did. Let's face it more people have heard of the Holy Grail than they have Mayan crystal skulls. That's why I honestly believe that the next movie needs to include a Judeo-Christian MacGuffin. I think the cross of Christ would be perfect. Along with the Coca Cola sign, the Christian cross is the most recognized symbol in the entire world. Do...the...math.

NO MARION RAVENWOOD: Sorry Karen Allen but your presence is not needed in the next film after your shoddy performance in Skull. The fifth installment should focus around Indy and Mutt. Marion Ravenwood would just get in the way and drag the movie down.

SALLAH AND SHORT ROUND NEED TO COME BACK: George, Steven give the people what they want! I know I'm not a big fan of Short Round but setting a story partly in China partly in the Middle East would be perfect. You could bring back both Short Round and Sallah in one swoop. Before he was Gimli the dwarf, John Rhys-Davies played the "best digger in Cairo" in two Indiana Jones films and I loved his character. Bring him back into the fold. And as for Short Round, I'm sure Jonathan Ke Quan could use the work. "No time for love Dr. Jones!"

MORE LOCALES: I know that Spielberg, Lucas, and Ford aren't too thrilled about filming outside the United States but I really think they've got to make an exception on this one. If Indy plans on gallivanting to China, the Middle East, and/or Eastern Europe at least some of the movie needs to be filmed on location. It would definitely improve the film.

Well there you have it. I think I've written enough on this subject. I doubt Lucas or Spielberg will read my article and even if they did I'm not arrogant enough to think they would take my advice. However, I do hope they've learned from the mistakes of the last film and will make a concerted effort to ensure that Indiana Jones goes out with a bang. Or maybe I should say a resounding whip crack.

BONUS--HERE IS MY RANKING AND RATING OF ALL FOUR INDIANA JONES FILMS:

1. Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark: 11/10

2. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade: 10/10

3. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: 8/10

4. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom: 7/10