Plot: Based on the classic pulp fiction stories of the 1930s by author Robert E. Howard, the 2011 edition follows the story of Conan (Jason Mamoa) a skilled and violent warrior. Born on the battlefield, Conan is raised by his clan chief father Corin (Ron Pearlman) and taught in the art of swordplay and war. When warlord Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang) attacks Conan's people in search of a mask fragment that will allow him to subjugate the world, Conan's village and father are both destroyed. Thus begins a 20 year quest where only the death of Khalar Zym can satiate Conan's lust for revenge.
Review: The tag line for the 2011 reboot of Conan reads "Enter An Age Undreamed Of." Unfortunately for viewers Conan is a nightmare from start to finish. Noisy, loud, and perpetually bloody, the film holds none of the charm or epic nature of the 1982 Arnold Schwarzenegger masterpiece directed by John Milius and written by Oliver Stone.
Conan begins badly with Morgan Freeman (yes the Morgan Freeman) performing the voiceover for a back story involving sorcerers from Acheron, who once constructed a mask made of the skulls of dead kings. Rather than sounding malevolent and evil, as I'm sure director Marcus Nispel intended, it comes off as corny and laughable. And if Morgan Freeman doing the initial voice over for this film sounds awkward its because it is. The sequence was more out of place than the Pope at the Adult Film Awards in Las Vegas.
Like so many other films, Conan suffers from having too many writers at the computer. Scriptwriters Thomas Dean Donnelly, Joshua Oppenheimer, and Sean Hood, rather than create an original story, opt instead for a revenge tale involving deadly sand phantoms (really?) and a half shaved Rose McGowan. This is a shame because Robert E. Howard's source material is rife with adventures that make the 2011 reboot incredibly juvenile by comparison.
Director Marcus Nispel displays an inherent lack pace and tone in Conan, as the film's action, while enjoyable, almost never lets up. Consequently, the viewer has little or no time to recover before it's onto the next fight scene. And don't get me wrong I have nothing against violence in films, but why have violence for violence sake? Somehow Nispel felt that if five minutes had passed without a dismembering or a beheading he was doing the audience an injustice.
Ken Blackwell's editing leaves something to be desired as well. So many scenes are choppy and jarring it creates a Crom sized headache. Also Tyler Bates's score seems severely understated for sword and sandal "epic." He's got nothing on Basil Poledouris, who did the music for the 1982 film. It still gets me pumped every time I hear it.
The acting isn't awful in Conan although it is by no means good. Although Arnie will forever be Conan in my mind, Jason Momoa manages a decent Conan. While he captures the spirit of the Hyborian warrior, too much of his dialogue sounds like a junior high bully making threats. When he tells a soldier at one point in the film, "I will follow you to Hell!" I had to restrain myself from peals of laughter.
Stephen Lang displays the requisite amount of malice and evil in Kahlar Zim, although his performance pales in comparison to James Earl Jones's Thulsa Doom. Conan's love interest Tamara (Rachel Nichols) is nothing more than a one dimensional damsel in distress. The chemistry was non-existent between her and Momoa and her passive portrayal is insulting to women everywhere. However, when it comes to horrific acting Rose McGowan's Marique takes the cake. It's so terrible I think the guys from Mystery Science Theater 3000 might reject it. The only thing more ludicrous than McGowan's acting was her makeup. It looks like somebody applied it with one of those t-shirt guns you see at sporting events. The best of the bunch was actually Leo Howard. Too bad his role as the young Conan only lasted for about 15 minutes.
Lionsgate and the producers of Conan the Barbarian attempted to make a film that was as sharp, sleek, and penetrating as the original. Sadly, the 2011 version is duller and less appealing than a rusty broadsword.
My rating: 3/10
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